EaRwAx

I believe strongly in the ideas of astrology. It's just always made sense to me. So, being a true Sagittarian, I have many particular..."qualities" that I am born with. One, for example, would be the constant need for change. Especially when I've been dormant for too long (another Sag trait is to always be travelling and visiting new places). And because I'm in a relationship with an Aquarian -- who is destined to be terrified of any and all adjustments to his environment, given that he was born under an air sign -- this can be most frustrating. What's more is that I don't have any "fire" friends. They all seem to fall under air or water...the more emotional, yet intellectual signs of the zodiac. They're also the most artistic, which often comes in handy when it comes to my work. Photography is sometimes a lonely occupation.

Ach. I'm not getting down what I wanted to. Anyway....

Due to this unending inner drive to physically manipulate my world, I'm very prone to sudden and drastic changes in my appearance. Most recently (as in, yesterday), I dyed my hair half bleach white and the front half with Manic Panic's "Lie Locks" (a lighter shade of blue-violet). I think it looks just stunning on volumous hair, and because I have more hair than I know what to do with, figured it'd look just as lovely on mine. Which, I suppose, it kindof does. ^^; Only problem is, when I bleached my hair this last time, I really cooked it pretty good and a fair chunk of the back of my head has turned to Brillo. Or, when it's wet, a Koosh ball. =_=; Hopefully after a few deep conditioning treatments it will be a bit more manageable. *crosses her fingers*



On a completely unrelated note -- I will be leaving for a camping trip to the White Mountains on Monday and returning the following Friday. I absolutely cannot wait. It's been so long since I've gone camping, and from a quick glance at the forecast of the next several days, it should be a simply glorious week. In the lower 70s, sun every single day, and very low humidity!! We could not have picked a better time to go. I'm praying that my health (mental and physical) holds up for all 5 days and things run absolutely smoothly until we make it back home. My Nanny is in rehab at the moment for a broken hip, which is making me feel kindof guilty about leaving, but I know she'll be alright. Besides, my aunt Diane will be coming down from New York to spend the week, anyway. <----(last line was mostly for my own benefit)

So! Here's to a beautiful week ahead, and a happy homecoming. Perhaps this trip is just what I need to put me in better spirits? ^_^

I have no idea how to fix this and it's pissing me off to no end.

My cookies never update themselves. I'm constantly having to "refresh" every goddamn page, or clean out my browser cache each time I visit a new website. Fucking obnoxious. I can't stand it. I haven't found any clear fix to this. Every time I read something about this happening to other people the first response is always "clear your browser cache." Yeah, well, that works for just the one time...what about all the millions of times after that!? FUCK.

Opera happens to be one of the sites that gives me the most trouble when it comes to this particular issue. I'm completely unable to edit any of my photos, have to refresh my journal page for the newest entry to show up, and most of the time I'm not able to alter anything in my profile.

Just had to get my anger down someplace.

So yesterday, after an extremely close call suicide-wise (I was soooo close. ha the bag ready and already swallowed my pill. =_=), problems with the boyfriend have once again been swept under the carpet. Acting like nothing's even happened, we had a rather pleasant, uneventuful evening. If I hadn't called him last minute to make sure he wasn't coming home (to find my half-dead body), we'd still be giving each other the silent treatment.

He came home only minutes later to find I'd barricaded the bedroom door. I kicked away the blankets and pillows and let him in. I sat on the pile of bed linens, half-tilting over from the drugs. My "head bag" was still lying on the bed next to the tape recorder I used to track my progress and last-minute "I love yous." I did my best to continue with the "so how was your day" conversation, as foggy as my head was. And later when we went to bed, I held my breath while we cuddled and he tried to have sex with me. I do still love him, but the events of the day prevented me from "getting in the mood" or really being in the moment for any of it.

I'm doing my best to try to live normally. Well, taking it one hour (even minute) at a time, really. Some moments get harder than others. But I can't bring myself to try again. Not today, anyway.

Just figured I'd get this thing started. I'm not feeling up to making a big, juicy blog entry right now. Been feeling like a complete outcast and social freak today. I dont know what's wrong with me -- but I know it's wrong.

I think I'm going to heat up those chicken strips and make some rice pilaf.

I wonder what I'd be labeled if I were to be evaluated by a psychiatrist today. Would they keep the old "major clinical depression/social phobic/borderline personality disorder" caca? Would they prescribe me the same meds?

I don't know how to interact with people. Thinking about this and why I am the way I am causes me to begin self-diagnosing. Schitzo-typal? Bi-polar? Autism? Is there even such a disease as adult-onset Autism??

Bored now.

I'm worried about what will happen with this photo album. I wonder if it were a mistake. I might not be thinking clearly nor making correct decisions at the moment.